When I was a child I never understood why people cried watching movies. Not that I’m a heartless sociopath but it was very easy for me to stop myself from crying. Even when Bambi’s mom died. I hadn’t experienced loss. I hadn’t experienced heartbreak. I hadn’t experienced life.
Now I’m the first one with tears in my eyes watching a commercial. I find myself so profoundly moved by so many things. It’s making me question what is next for me. I find myself wanting more and more, to be deeper involved in these cultures I so casually travel through. I listen to podcasts of people who stayed with Inuit in the arctic, or the aboriginals in Australia and learned from them. I crave that experience.
My travels I have always limited by budget, not allowing myself to afford such experiences and not wanting to pay to experience them. Figuring I can organically have those same experiences. But I really want to help, I want to make a difference. And I'm not sure I have yet.
I live with so much privilege. I claim I don’t, I struggle while back packing the world 6 months of the year to stay within my budget. Just typing that makes my fingertips want to throw up.
I decided this year I was going to buy a Westfalia and dirt-bag it. Can we all take a moment to think about that statement? I literally bought the most expensive vehicle made in 1982 on the market. Why? Because I wanted to. I wanted to be a part of the cult, to have an instant Westy family. I thought they would make the road easier to travel. I made so many assumptions from my semi-charmed life.
Well, the road has been hard, lonely, frustrating, soul-crushing, filled with tears. Yet at the same time it has been liberating, exhilarating, enriching and full of smiles. I have never dealt with so many emotions on a daily basis. The up and down is exhausting.
I find myself at the end of my day of driving emotionally exhausted. I don’t like this side of myself. I don’t want to hate this country, but I do so much of the time. I fight with my own emotions. I want to be in love, enchanted… yet I’m frustrated and beat down.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world” I’m not sure I will truly be happy travelling again without giving more. I’m not sure this country is for me, I haven’t given anything back to it other than pesos and tears.
It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not putting in enough effort. I need to do more. I can’t expect the world to just be waiting to show me how amazing it is. I guess up until now the world has. I’m tired of crying. I’m tried of being emotionally drained and exhausted.
However, I have the ability to change my perspective. I have to change my sunglasses to the rose tinted ones.
I need to find the beauty and a way to give back that feeds my soul. I will not wave the white flag until I put more effort in, and try just a little bit harder.
